It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
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“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Netflix and awkward silence?
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament