Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
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People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
me 2 months after i graduated
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
I support this random dude and all his protests
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”