Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
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My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!