9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
You Might Also Like
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people