What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
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umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
A Short Story.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.