I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
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My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Lmao
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
grotesque if literal: baby food
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.