Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
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Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
A fake ID that makes you younger
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.