Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
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Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.