A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
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Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.