my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
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I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!