Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
You Might Also Like
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
where the womens at?
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.