I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
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[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.