*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
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I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.