STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
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When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
My what?
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Finally, an instrument I can play!
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.