[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
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whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Received some very disappointing news today
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”