‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
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Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.