[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
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[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.