At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
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[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.