I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
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Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?