“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
You Might Also Like
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
is nasa ok
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
The Compass
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year