Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
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Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Well, shit
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
you have three unread messages