Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
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We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life