Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
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Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Challenge accepted.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.