Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
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Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.