Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
You Might Also Like
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
I missed you with all my darts