Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
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[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Boating season is upon us.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
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[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE