*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
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If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again