My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
You Might Also Like
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Mission: Impossible
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Twitter is the new flypaper.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
😜
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
A lot of folks out there missing the point…