wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
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Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.