I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
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COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
*3.5 thank you very much.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Breaking news:
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong