Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
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Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
The internet is magic sometimes.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
The fall of Netflix
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”