her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
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I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop