A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
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Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.