*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
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therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Customize Your Wedding.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.