interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
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ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection