I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
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Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.