I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
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[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.