Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
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I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.