An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
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[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Yup
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.