STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
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I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
when you don’t want to be too vague
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
🏙👨🏼
Received some very disappointing news today
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”