Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
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If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
why isn’t he texting back
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder