[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
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Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….