Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
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Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no