I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
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“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
handsome & gretel
Big Sex has us all fooled
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.