Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
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I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.