Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
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HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore