ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
You Might Also Like
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
There is no try. There is only give up.