If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
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*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
craving $300 all of a sudden
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation