*watches Charlotte’s Web*
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Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
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[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
thanks auntie mary
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat