Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
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Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
My friend bought a house and I鈥檓 happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could鈥檝e bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
If you鈥檝e never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
I’m choking laughing omfg 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it鈥檚 grass fed
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman鈥檚 purse and a pocket knife.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.